Gaslighting: How to Recognize It and 7 Ways to Shut it Down!
You are not crazy, you were manipulated into thinking so!
Gaslighting is a powerful tactic in which a dominant personality (unconsciously or consciously) tries to induce that the other person’s perception is delusional.
It leaves its victim in a fog of altered reality in which they question their own experiences, feelings, and memories. The person will start doubting their own sanity.
The term originates from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play Gaslight and made popular by its film adaptation released in 1944.
In the story, the husband attempts to convince his wife that she is insane by manipulating her surroundings and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes.
The husband makes the lights (gaslights) in their home flicker and denies anything has happened. He keeps repeating these kinds of tricks to make her doubt herself more, prove the same to the world, send her to a mental asylum and have all her money.
The above is an extreme case of gaslighting and we feel that something like this can never happen to us.
“Poor girl! But I am not a fool to fall prey to such tactics.”
But in reality, it does not have to be this much escalated to cause damage. Even small-scale gaslighting can make us lose self-esteem over time and plant a seed of self-doubt.
Also, if we allow someone to become empowered over us, maybe the greed for control in the other person keeps increasing, leading to dire consequences later on.
Most important of all is the loss of self-esteem and elevated self-doubt which hinders growth!
Gaslighting is not just found in romantic relationships. It can be with your friends, family, colleagues and because of that, you are under constant fatigue.
So spotting it and working on it is a necessity for your peace of mind and the happiness of your soul.
How do you recognize that gaslighting is happening?
Look at the list given below. If you feel you can relate to it, you may be in a gaslighting relationship.
· You wonder if you are good enough.
· You have trouble making decisions, even simple ones.
· You seek validation in everything you do, even simple tasks.
· You doubt your memory.
· The past conversations start becoming hazy.
· You are always caught up in negative thoughts.
· Nothing seems to make you happy.
· You lose zeal and enthusiasm for life/career.
· You often feel confused.
· You are always apologizing in your relationships.
· You know something is wrong but cannot figure out what and why.
· The things which used to excite you earlier, do not do so anymore.
Some of the above-listed points can happen in depression as well, but what distinguishes gaslighting from depression is the fact that here another person or a group of people is involved in making you feel this way.
The other person is the one who planted a seed of self-doubt leading to all the above consequences.
People aren’t born gaslighters like they are born introverts or extroverts. A gaslighter is a student of social learning. They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a potent tool. It’s a cognitive strategy for self-regulation and co-regulation. To be frank, it works. -Robin Stern
How to fight Gaslighting?
1. Spot the vicious cycle
Most of the time, gaslighting relationships have a repeating pattern. It’s the same trap we are falling into again and again and regret it later thinking we are not improving.
2. Get clarity
I have seen people with photographic memories who no longer trust their memory due to the fact that in long the run in a gaslighting relationship. They rely on the other person’s version of the story because of long bouts of manipulations.
But you need to trust your guts! If you feel that something isn’t right, don’t ignore your intuition. If you feel a certain way or believe something to be true, don’t allow someone to discredit you.
3. Take responsibility, don’t wait for others validation
Be confident about your choices even when others don’t approve of them. Seeking validation in anything and everything makes you weak over time.
You lose your confidence and losing confidence is like losing your identity slowly and gradually. Instead, choose and stand by it.
4. Build a support system
Sometimes a “reality check” from other people in your life is the only thing you need to break the chain of this toxic relationship. Don’t isolate yourself.
Talk about it. Talk to people who know you well. Talk about your insecurities and your feelings. Definitely, they will help you come out of this low period of your life.
5. Don’t depend on others judgment of you
Don’t merely accept the gaslighter’s assertions regarding your mental or emotional health. You know yourself better than anybody in the world.
6. Let go of the need to change
Change is inevitable. Everybody changes over time but don’t try to change yourself to fit in the validation of your gaslighter. You can’t change them and you should never change yourself for anyone but you.
7. Love yourself
Demonstrate love by giving it unconditionally to yourself. And as you do, you will attract others into your life who will love you without conditions.
